Lack knocked on my door this morning…
It awoke me from my sleep and cold instantly gripped my heart.
As I crept down the stairs, I could hear him yelling through the door while pounding on it, “Open up! You need me, you don’t know how to live without me.”
Guilt laced my thoughts; in some ways he was so right. Lack has been with me since we were children. He knew me deeply. There were very few memoires where he wasn’t present in some form. And yet, in my core I knew there was a life to be lived without his abusive patterns and fear.
“Go away, Lack!” I yelled through the door. I heard him kick the door, he was getting angry. This was his thing; he would push and push and push until the fear sent me into a full panic causing me to surrender to his false prophesies of failure and demise.
“You’ll never have enough, everything has a limit. You need me to keep you safe and contained.” He stated. I chewed on my nails, was he right? My whole life I have looked to lack to keep me safe. If I didn’t expect too much, then I wouldn’t find myself disappointed or disappointing others.
But lately… lately things felt different. There has been a tugging, a yearning for a change. Like a butterfly trapped in a glass box, it’s wings softly beating against the inside of the glass almost like a constant fluttering for freedom.
I place my hands over my heart and turn inward eager to find some solution to the presence at my door who refuses to leave.
I feel a pulse from within, almost like a beat and allow my body to respond and move as it likes. With each sway of the hips the glass box begins to crack. As I surrender to the movement the glass box fractures and the butterfly leaps into the air shifting a being of pure white light.
Full of awe I shield my eyes from the blinding light, as it softens, I can see crystal blues eyes peering out at me filled with love and compassion.
“Who are you?” I whisper and yet I already know.
“I am you, your highest self. You have finally found the courage to believe I am real which is why you can see me, but be assured, I have always been with you.” Her melodious voice reverberated through my body and sent a shiver down my spine.
“Why now?” I ask.
“The time has come.” She declared, her compassionate eyes turning steel blue as the energy shifted, “The time has come for you to face the truth, it is time to lay down the weapons that you have gathered to fight lack. The truth is that you have no enemy; you have no adversary because it is you, you are the Lack knocking on your own door.”
I stood there, shocked and to be honest a little angry. How could she say that I was the reason I was standing in my bathrobe on a Tuesday morning breaking out in a cold sweat afraid to face the day. I mean, couldn’t she hear all the chaos happening outside of my door!
I heard lack pound on the door again, “I know you’re in there, let me in. You can’t just think me away I’ve seen your bank account. You need me to help you find a way out of the mess you’ve made, AGAIN!”
I turned back to my highest self, her cold stare of truth unphased by Lack’s threats. Returning her gaze I felt my stomach sink, she was right. I had created this. As the reality sunk in, I looked at the door.
“What do I do?” I ask as my voice is trembling not really sure if I want to hear the answers but also certain if I didn’t receive, I would find myself exactly where I started the morning, full of unending fear and confusion.
Her eyes soften, “Love.”
“What?” I ask, confused. I was thinking she would be offering me some three-step plan or specific words to say that would magically make Lack disappear.
“Love. It is the only power that will release you from Lack’s hold on your life.” Her unfaltering gaze holding mine and, in that moment, I felt a swelling of power erupt from my core.
“That power you are feeling within, it is the power of love. You came from it; you are it and you will return to it. This is the truth of who you are, there is no reason to fear your power. You are divine and have embodied this life by choice. Lack holds no power over you unless you say that he does.”
With a deep breath I gathered my courage and turned toward the door and unlocked the latch. When he raised his head the smirk on his face faded and he quickly took a step back. As I viewed him from a place of love, he looked different, smaller, almost a mousy energy.
His eyes had heavy bags under them and the light, thinning hair on his head was unkept. I saw him for who he truly was, fearful and tired, anxious and concerned. My heart broke for Lack as he stared at me with disbelief and also a bit of shame.
He started to run away and I called out to him, “Please, come in! We have some things to talk about.”
He slowed his steps and turned back toward me I stepped to the side as he walked through the doorway.
“This is….” I stopped, my highest self was no longer in the room but I could still feel her strong presence inside my core. I smiled to myself, “This is…. the dining room, please have a seat.”
I made a pot of coffee for us both, and poured the steaming liquid into two big mugs. Lack of course, took his black while I added cream to mine. We sat there in silence for the longest time just looking at each other. It was so strange to see clearly this presence that had journeyed with me for so long from a place of love.
Finally, I took a deep breath and pulled from the energy source deep within me…
“I love you.” I told him as I held his gaze. His eyes went wide with shock then filled with emotion.
“Thank you for trying to protect me for all these years.” I said to him as I watched a single tear roll down his cheek as his shoulders softened.
And like a movie on a projector memory after memory revealed in the space above us. I saw Lack in the background of so many of the scenes, making sure I thought of all the things that could go wrong, creating frustration and anger in me in the moment. But now, seeing him from this viewpoint I realize that Lack’s true motivation was to keep me safe.
“It broke my heart to see you sad,” he whispered, “so I made sure that you never felt disappointment again by convincing you to never dream or try or even speak.”
Looking at Lack as tears quietly streamed down his face, I suddenly understood what my highest- self meant. Lack was created because I didn’t want to feel disappointment, it was a block I allowed so that I would stop trying or even believing that life could be different. It was me trying to keep myself safe.
I had created this and I also had the power to end it. I had the power to free him from a fearful, anxious existence. Empowered by this truth I set my gaze to his and proclaimed,
“I set you free.”in a clear and unfaltering voice.
His eyebrows knit together questioning my decree.
“I release you from your duty, I no longer need you to protect my heart because I know it is safe with Love.” The words coming from my core sent a vibration through the room I had never experienced before. But as they passed through him a sigh of relief washed over his features. He leaned back in his chair, raising the mug to his lips and sipping the dark brown liquid. I could hear his long slow exhale as he placed the mug back on the table.
“Thank you.” And with a slight up-turn of his lips his presence slowly faded. I watched in shock as the energy transmuted and left an empty chair with the mug of coffee still steaming in the place where Lack once sat.
I felt myself start tp panic, “What the fuck just happened?!?!” I felt a sense of emptiness and loss as this part of my identify faded away. It was then I heard the comforting voice of my highest self gently remind me of one simple, word, Love.
I tapped into the core of my body once more placed my hands over my heart and allowed my body to responded. I was guided to get up from my seat and move my perfect body. The sway of the hips and swish of my arms as I waved them from side to side ignited the energy once more from my core and the emptiness left by Lack’s release was filled to the brim with Love’s life-giving energy.
I stood there in the kitchen gently panting from all the movement and closed my eyes. All I could feel was gratitude. I was grateful for Lack and I was eternally grateful for my highest-self who guided me back to the truth of me, that I come from love, I am love and I will return to love and love is the answer.